PAMELA ASHCROFT TALKS ABOUT HER EXPERIENCE OF DEALING WITH LOSS
Earlier this year Tin Man signed the Time to Change mental health pledge and I got involved as a mental health Workplace Champion. As part of my role and to mark National Stress Awareness Week this week, I wanted to share my own experience of a topic that can cause real stress - experiencing loss and bereavement. I thought it would be especially useful at a time where many of us have lost loved ones and family members in this pandemic. Though it is never easy, I experienced several losses in a short space of time and wanted to share my own experiences, plus some tips on how to cope in a very challenging time.
Four years ago my sister experienced convulsions and was taken to hospital by ambulance where it was detected she had a brain tumour. At her home in Paris the doctors informed us that the location of the tumour on the brain was inoperable so she started chemotherapy and radiotherapy. Then, a year after my sister’s diagnosis and just three weeks after my beloved 14 year old Maltese Giorgio passed away, I was involved in a serious car accident (that I discussed in a previous Tin Chat). 18 months after my successful treatment for panic attacks with my Neuropsychologist, my mum who was in Paris looking after my sister, called to say my sister had gone into a coma and didn’t have much time left. She asked if I wanted to come to Paris to say goodbye. At first I thought it wouldn’t be possible for me to travel since I’d previously been suffering from panic attacks and felt this would be a big leap in managing my anxiety in a challenging task. However, after a chat with a close friend of my sister’s, she convinced me that I had the strength to go from London to Paris on my own, and talked me through it. That evening I caught the last Eurostar to Paris – which was quite an achievement for me.
A few weeks later I was in a palliative care centre in Paris where my sister had been moved to when I received the terrible news that one of my close friends had been on the Ethiopian Airlines flight that had crashed. Shocked and devastated, I felt I didn’t have the space to mourn this sudden loss while my sister was also going to leave us and her three young children.
I was of course sad, but the next day I put on a strong front so I could be there for my sister, I felt I couldn’t grieve at a time when my family were trying to be more positive for her and her children. A week later my sister passed away.
When I returned to London after the funeral I took an additional week off work as bereavement leave. Tin Man were very supportive and offered me more leave, but I realised that I needed to be back at work to take my mind off of things when the shock of the initial grieving had passed. I experienced both losses quite differently; a sudden death which I was less prepared for emotionally and mentally, and a three year space to prepare for the loss of my sister.
Both were very hard in their own way. Losing my sister felt like losing a mother because with our 11-year age gap she had always watched over me. However, I was able to process this loss better because I was there to experience it all. I applied some of the concepts I had learned when I had Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) for my panic attacks and allowed myself to feel any emotion that came up. I was compassionate with myself. But I did this with the intention of healing, not staying in a sad state. I was depressed (and allowed myself to be so) for two to three months. When I was depressed, I would meditate often, observing my thoughts from a neutral place and doing the next best thing that would make me happy (whether it was watching a show on Netflix or calling a friend).
However, the situation was more complicated with my friend - her family held a memorial for her that summer as her remains had not been found in the crash. I felt like I was just starting to process and heal a lot from my sister’s loss, when Jo’s memorial put me back into a place of hurting again. I learned self-love and self-care (not selfishness) and to say “no” to friends and family if their demands or suggestions would compensate my mental wellbeing. I had to prioritise myself. Eight months after the plane crash, Jo’s remains were identified and flown back to London. In a gathering with Jo’s family and other friends, I was able to spend time with her. For me, this was an important part of the grieving process as it was a closure.
Just over a year later, my dad who had been in a nursing home passed away from a melanoma in the early stages of lockdown. His health deteriorated over night so we didn’t have much time to prepare. Then due to the strict lockdown rules only my mum and I were able to attend the funeral. I hadn’t had the easiest relationship with my dad but it was still hard, especially as we were unable to see friends and other family members at the funeral, although the service was nice as the priest knew my dad well.
I have experienced great losses in the last few years, alongside my own personal challenges following my car accident but I feel much stronger now and wanted to share the things that have worked for me, in the hope that they may help or resonate with anyone else struggling with a loss.
The lessons I can take with me are:
Have self-compassion, don’t be too hard on yourself
The value of meditation – this for me was absolutely key in my recovery
Have a support network – I spoke to friends, family and colleagues but also applied the techniques and processes from therapy to my bereavement – don’t be afraid to seek professional help
Be present and give yourself the space to allow yourself to feel negative emotions when they come up so you can process them
Prioritise yourself and think about what will make you happy (and do that)
Some useful resources if you are experiencing loss:
116 123 (freephone)
jo@samaritans.org
Freepost RSRB-KKBY-CYJK
PO Box 90 90
Stirling FK8 2SA
At a Loss
The UK's signposting website for the bereaved. They can help you find bereavement services and counselling. They also have resources on coronavirus pandemic bereavement.